Philosphy of Life.

1. learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable awnswers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If somethong we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways make you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

2.Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.

3.Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.

4.Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.

5.Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

6.When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

7.Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her.

8.Constantly drink from an empty glass.

9.Every time you handle something of your roommate’s, use a tissue or gloves.

10.While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won’t start.

11.Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

12.Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit
into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate
inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

13.Try to make meals using your roommate’s electric blanket.

14.Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate’s pictures.  Complain that they were staring at you.

15.Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it’s time to go to bed now."

16. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it.
Explain to your roommate, ”He just didn’t belong.”

17. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.

18. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ”The hair, it’s growing. Growing!”

19. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ”Soon, soon….”

20. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

21. Tell your roommate, ”I’ve got an important message for you.” Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the
message was. Later on, say, ”Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.

22.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

23. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ”Hey,
where the heck is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.

24. Every time your roommate walks in yell, ”Hooray! You’re back!” as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, ”Shouldn’t you be going
somewhere?”